don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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