god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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