Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
