Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
