if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
