then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
