if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
