Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
