it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
