I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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