remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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