i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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