Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize