i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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