eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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