My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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