So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
