you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
