as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
we're so committed to being not committed
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