I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
