she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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