I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
