last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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