Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
