I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
