don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Randomize
