Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
