My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
