I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
What a dumb baby whore.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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