I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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