threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
