they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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