Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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