Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
