I've blown a few things in my day
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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