I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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