I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
