It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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