Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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