Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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