Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
