Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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