it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
