The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
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Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
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He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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