ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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