fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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