Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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