i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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