pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
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