Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
