as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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