I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
