yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
