I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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