The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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