dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
