Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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