My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
why do cheetos always look like penises
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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