Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
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I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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