youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
