i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
