Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
